UPPER DECK: Mavs, Pigeons And Frozen Tundras

Steven Carter -- DB.com

This is the time of year when you need two remote controls for the television, the one to switch it to the sports channels and the emergency back up remote just in case my wife finds the first one and puts the television on some sort of movie about two people where one loves the other then one (always the guy) does something (usually involving being oblivious to something women consider important) that makes the other one angry but then later redeems himself by carrying six orphans and a dog out of a burning building as if that has not happened 400 times before in other movies, and everyone cries, well mostly me, but I like dogs. What they don't show is the year down the line when the woman says to the guy, "You know, saving those six orphans and that dog was okay but it does not make up for the fact that you were oblivious that time to something I considered important." By the way, the major run-on sentence here is my way of paying homage to my English teachers from high school, yes I know what a run-on sentence is and I use them anyway.

November also reminds me of the great pigeon incident. It was about this time of year and in a gruesome parody of the "WKRP in Cincinnati" episode where live turkeys were flung from a helicopter to a shopping center parking lot, pigeons began plummeting from the sky, raining down on teachers and students during recess at the elementary school.  Imagine if you will the look of horror on the face of our children as they watched pigeons and other birds in death spasms on the elementary school grounds. It looked a bit like an Alfred Hitchcock film.

I know a lot of people consider pigeons to be something of a nuisance. They are identified as a health hazard because they have a tendency to poop all over things, including some things that you might not want pooped on, such as your car, your new tuxedo, or your elementary school building. While none of us enjoy being pooped on, even by politicians who seem to do it with such delight, few of us stoop to poisoning the creatures that poop on us, not even the politicians where it might be considered justifiable. 

Believe it or not pigeons serve a very useful function in our ecology, they eat insects, snails, slugs, and uh telemarketers. The notion that they are totally useless varmints is incorrect but it is true that the build up of their poop may eventually form large health hazards such as Congress. 

Fact is, I kind of like pigeons and squirrels, they are very tasty. Just kidding, but I like them. I am always told I should not like them because they are pests but I still do. I like them.  I was kind of upset about the "incident" where the pigeons were poisoned during a school day, and I wrote a rather scathing column in the town newspaper where I berated the people responsible and in a very adult way referred to the entire school administration as wienies.

I did this mostly because I was upset at my children being pelted with dead pigeons, and also because as I have noted before there are safer ways to get rid of pigeons, including plastic owls, rubber snakes, plastic models of Hillary Clinton, virtually any scary creature will frighten them away. Yes, I understand that people might not approve of having such scary plastic creatures on the roof of a school, but I know having convulsing and dead pigeons in the middle of a playground full of children is not altogether desirable either.

I certainly would have preferred that the pigeons be driven away rather than destroyed, but I am not one of those animal rights people. I grew up on a farm, my wife says this is obvious, but I'm not sure what she means.  Having grown up on a farm, I understand that there are times that desperate measures are called for like when you have an infestation of rattlesnakes, possums, or insurance salesmen. With that in mind I offer the following questions: 

            1. Was eliminating the pigeons so urgent that it could not wait until spring break?

            2. Wouldn't it have been a good idea to inform the teachers of what was going on? 

            3. Couldn't a more humane method have at least been attempted first? 

            4. Once the poison is gone isn't it likely other pigeons will return?

            5. Will the pigeons being gone affect casserole day in the cafeteria?

            6. What kind of lunatic puts poison on top of a school building?

One thing that I learned from the experience is cafeteria ladies carry a grudge, and now I have to go mow the frozen tundra.