UPPER DECK: Inquiring Mavs Want To Know

Mike Fisher -- DB.com

*My first question concerns when Tim Thomas played for the Suns and he blew a kiss at Dirk and Dirk went off for like 50 points. Doesn’t anyone else think that this is a romance that should be cultivated? Imagine how many points Dirk would score if someone blew him a kiss every game?

*Also, I have to wonder if Tim would consider blowing a kiss to Tony Romo. He has the look of a man in serious need of some loving.

*I also wonder where Rick Carlisle gets his laundry done, because he really looks like someone who needs to tell the guy at the laundry to cut back on the starch. I have never seen anyone else who looked so much like he was starching his underwear.

*I wonder if Mark Cuban has considered investing in some scientific research in the area of bionics. The first thing that needs to be developed is bionic ankles that never sprain or strain or get flu-like symptoms.

*Following that, he could work on getting Eric Dampier a set of bionic hands preferably some that can actually catch.

Speaking of the term “flu-like symptoms,’’ is that really code for “got completely blotto last night?” There seems to be a lot of people running around with “flu-like symptoms,” that never actually get the flu.

*I understand there is currently a search underway for a new announcer at the American Airlines Center. I have to wonder, it is possible to find one who can say something other than, “Make that noise?” I often wonder what idiot decided that “make that noise” sounds cool. Because they are mistaken.

*I am a big guy, really I am. Six foot five and a bit better than 300 pounds of pure unadulterated lard, but somehow those guys at the game with the T-shirt guns can never find me. Why is that?

*I recently learned that the NBA changed their rules about traveling violations this year. It used to be that if you take two steps without dribbling, that was traveling. Oh sure, they never called it except for rookies, spares, and athletees known to play for a team Mark Cuban owns, but at least we knew there was a rule, theoretically, and it could get called at some point. Now with the change, the official rule now reads that players now cannot be called for traveling unless it can be proven that they took more than two steps and in between actually boarded a plane.

*Speaking of referees, I have some questions about the lockout of NBA referees and the quality of the replacement referees though I figure replacement referees do offer some advantages such as it may take several weeks before Mark ticks off this whole new group of officials. If he plays his cards right, maybe he can save some fine money.

*I sometimes wonder why the big shots and big spenders who are the most indifferent about the game sit in the front row, while those of us with the most passion for the game are confined to the upper deck. I once tried to sneak down to the front row to see what it was like, but some rich lady’s pet Schnauzer jumped out of her purse, started barking at me and gave me away. I was quickly hustled back to my seat by a very large and intimidating lady in a red jacket named Helga.

*I also wonder about concessions, why are we willing to pluck down 10 bucks for four old tortilla chips with melted Velveeta poured over them which someone laughingly refers to as nachos and why is it that the same soda that costs a dollar for a two liter bottle at the grocery store requires you to bring a note from the bank to buy at a concession stand.

*Why does everyone on the basketball team have to be introduced every game? No one introduces us when we go to work. I can see it now: “Now teaching psychology, a 25-year pro out of Texas Tech, Steeeeeeeeve “The Badger” Caaaaaaaaarter!’’ I think I might be a little embarrassed, especially when the kid in the corner stood up and sang the National Anthem.

*Finally, why is it when a man talks dirty it’s sexual harassment but when a woman does it, its $2.99 a minute?