UPPER DECK: Fish & Fist-Bump & Fan Jam

Steven Carter -- DB.com

It was Friday night, Fan Jam 2009. A day when I learned two things about my wife that I did not know. .. one good and one that was not so good. I should mention that we have been married for quite a long time. A surprising thing considering I am still under 30 (in my mind). In any case, you would think having spent such a long time with her that I would know just about everything about her. Still, she manages to surprise me.

My wife has never been a sports fan; she has kind of endured me being, well, rather passionate -- about sports, anyway. If there were a herd of cows standing in a pasture and someone threw a ball out amongst them, I would watch just to see if someone scored. I watched college football, pro football, high school football, basketball, I watched Afghan tribesmen playing a bizarre form of polo using a goat’s head. I watched roller derby, I have even watched -- and I hesitate to admit this -- soccer. I would watch sports 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, 52 weeks a year.

Early on, before my children were born, I always kind of felt guilty. But after all, I only watched football on Sunday, and Saturday, and Friday night, and Monday night, and Thursday night, so there really was not a good reason to feel guilty. Watching football is a right guaranteed us in the Constitution, right there in the Bill of Rights, among all the wherefores and etceteras it clearly states that we have the right to watch football.

Later, when my son came along and got old enough to get interested in sports, we watched together. We went to Mavericks games, and I taught him all the important rules of basketball, like what constitutes a personal and a technical foul, what makes an inbounds violation, why referees are always against your team, and why all people with Clinical Stupidity automatically become Spurs fans. It is important to build understanding early on for these matters. I have a friend that spent all his time teaching his kid about drugs and neglected talking with him about staying away from Spurs fans. Unfortunately, he recently confided to me that his son had lost his mind and bought a Tim Duncan jersey. Fortunately, the son is currently in a very good hospital that specializes in treating Clinical Stupidity, so we are hopeful.

Back to my wife, though. We all saw the controversy that occurred when the Obamas, Barack and Michelle, exchanged a fist bump. Immediately there was a lot of controversy as to whether this was a sign that they are or are not terrorists. Clearly, terrorists on their way to commit a heinous act practice fist bumps because handshakes are not sanitary.

So at Fan Jam, the first thing I learned came as our own Mike Fisher (a.k.a. the Fish) dashed about fist-bumping everyone in the building, in a very suspicious manner. He fist bumped every player, the referee, the cheerleaders, Santa Claus (I still have no idea why Santa was there), Mavs Man, and George (the weird janitor guy who is always in the bathroom). Fish eventually came to my wife, stuck out his fist, and she did not know what to do. I was very surprised that she had never learned what a fist bump was and apparently had never executed one before. I have to admit she did it wrong. Not to worry I gave her a lesson in the proper execution when we got home.

On the good side, I did learn she is definitely not a terrorist, although I am not so sure about Fish. 

The second thing I learned is that you never, ever want to tell a woman she does not know how to use her fist. The doctor said the swelling will go down in a couple of days.